Pimp Kids

'The folks from the world's largest retailer - the same sanctimonious bunch that refuses to sell Jon Stewart's "America: The Book" and only started selling emergency contraception after legislatures in several states mandated it - stock some of the most tasteless, lewd, offensive back-to-school clothing anywhere.

For starters, a vast inventory of beer T-shirts, including Coors, Guinness, Corona and Schlitz (Do they still make Schlitz?) is available at Wal-Mart, as if kids don't get enough beer advertising on TV.

Wear these to just about any school in town and expect to get the wrong kind of attention from the teacher - immediately. And here's a tip: A kid showing up wearing the shirt that says "How many licks does it take?" probably is on his way to the principal's office too.

The girls department similarly offers plenty of ways for kids to get sent home for a change of clothes, though few of them involved liquor ads.

Among the T-shirts on sale for $6.87 are those hustling: "98% naughty, 2% nice" and "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, have no fun."

For the record, they all come in "100 percent organic cotton," which surely must put Wal-Mart in the vanguard of the merger of pimping political correctness and multinational commerce.'

Diane Carman