Reflections Of The The Gay I Used To Be

Last night on Logo, I came across Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss, and it made me think of two things.

One, that was the movie that I went to go see with a friend/co-worker of mine, and did something I probably shouldn't have done: hooked up with said friend/co-worker, even though I was pretty good friends with him, and his boyfriend.

Yep.

His boyfriend.

I admit, I was kind of a hoochie back in those days.

The funny thing is we both had to bartend/work the next night, and let's just say that people could tell something was up.

My boss totally chided me for it too.

Second thing the movie made me think of, is my relationships with straight guys.

If you haven't seen the movie, Sean Hayes ['Jack' of 'Will And Grace' fame], plays a photographer who develops a crush on his seemingly straight model.

More specifically, it got me to thinking about my relationship with this guy we'll call 'Jim', for all intensive purposes of this post.

It was towards the end of high school, and Jim and I ran in the same circles, and knew some of the same people.

He was 'that guy'.

He knew everyone, was charming, flirty with the girls [and boys], and had a presence that everyone would notice as soon as he entered a room.

I have to admit, I was kind of in awe of him, and had a non-sexual crush on him.

One night, at a local club, my friend Amber formally introduced us and that's how it all started.

We ended up hanging out the rest of the night, and exchanged numbers.

No big whup I figured.

Well, who calls the next day and asks me to go to a party with him?

Yep, Jim.

I go, and what followed was us being joined at the hip, for the entire next week.

It was fun and we totally clicked.

We had the same sense of humor and everything, and felt totally comfortable around each other.

Well, as months passed, we were as thick as thieves.

People would honestly freak out if they saw one of us solo out on the town, as we were pretty much regarded as a duo [couple].

If one of us was alone, all night we would have people asking us where the other one was.

And while we never discussed it, we were, kind of by default, a couple.

Now, I always knew he was straight, and he totally knew I was gay, but it wasn't an issue.

While we never actually had sex, we were very physically and emotionally affectionate to each other.

At least during the good days.

As time went on, our relationship became very Ike and Tina Turner, minus the physical assault.

Seriously, we would become insanely jealous, and/or territorial of each other.

There were mind games, total co-dependent behaviours, and passive-aggressive fighting.

This lasted for a while until I started to realize that maybe I shouldn't have to be in such a negative situation.

To make things worse, his partying and drug use was now exceeding mine.

It was at this point that fissures in the relationship started to show, and that coupled with the fact that I was leaving for New York to go to school, didn't help things.

So I left, with things not resolved, yet we didn't officially 'break-up' or anything.

While I was at school, I heard through the grapevine that his drug use got even worse, and had even started getting in to trouble.

By the time I returned for the summer, he had skipped town, and no one knew what happened.

Eventually, I ran in to someone who had seen him and found out that he had enlisted in the Army and was to be dispatched to Korea.

I had no way of getting a hold of him, since I had been out of the loop, so, in effect, that was that.

Years later, I actually ran in to him back here in town.

What was interesting about that, was the conversation we had.

Let's just say it got deep, real deep, and emotional, and he admitted that we had been essentially a couple, and that I had cared for him more than anyone else in his life. He said he truly did love me, and I finally owned up to my feelings as well.

Let's just say, wow.

We parted ways, but of course lost touch.

Some time later on, I learned from a mutual acquaintance, that he had a kid, and was planning to get married that summer.

Good for him.

Little did I know that the whole 'Jim' experience, was just the beginning of my pattern of either being involved with a straight guy, or someone who was 'unavailable' [see earlier story of being a hoochie].

But those are posts for another time.

So it was interesting to compare and contrast my real life experiences, with what happened in that movie.

Along with all the drama, and the good times mind you, I eventually went through over the years.