Suri Cruise - 2030

From TvGasm: Newsgasm: Year 2030 Edition

First Daughter Suri Cruise checked herself into rehab this morning.

This is just the most recent in a series of publicized stumbles for the first family's only child. You'll remember in 2023 her brief engagement to Sean Preston Federline was cut short under mysterious circumstances when Sean Preston, while on a Scientology retreat, vanished in the woods in what Xenuian authorities called a tragic bear attack.

She entered the spotlight again in January 2024 when it was reported she was performing a sex act on Senator Lachey during the Scientological National Convention officially announcing the party's nomination of her father for the presidential race.

She was again scrutinized for being present during the mysterious death of Apple Paltrow Martin in 2026, the official cause of which was listed as autoerotic asphyxiation.

Recently she had come under attack by her own family after she announced a scathing tell-all book Cruising Through Life, whose complete title is purported to be Cruising Through Life: The Average American Story of a Gay Dad, Bought Mom, and Test Tube Baby.

Suri’s current beau, Corey Haim, spoke to the press, stating, “Please give her the privacy she needs right now to get well in these trying times. She asked that I apologize on her behalf to her friends and fans and wants you all to know she is very Suri… hahaha… see what I did there? I’m so funny! America please don’t forget me!”

It comes as little surprise that there has been no comment from the first lady, as no one has heard her speak since 2005.

More as this story continues to break.